Suffering in Negative Grief
A Homily by
Last Sunday Fr. Dan spoke about suffering, and using our suffering for good. So, in reference to All Saints Day and All Souls Day, I'd like to briefly continue this discussion on suffering. I'd like to address the suffering of grief, and specifically death in troubled or less than perfect relationships.
Today is All Saints Day, a time when we celebrate the saints: those who have received the beatific vision and are in the presence of God in Heaven. The souls of those in Heaven have been perfected in the Blood of the Lamb and we celebrate their victory. They are at peace. They live in God's perfect will. They love with God's perfect love. And they forgive as God forgives. They have been perfected in mercy and are rightly called 'Children of God'. Their victory is truly a cause to rejoice.
Tomorrow, on All Souls Day, we pray for all those in Purgatory, that they will soon be welcomed into God's Kingdom, and experience the joy we celebrate today. The souls of those in Purgatory, for whom entrance into Heaven is certain, are experiencing divine purification at the hands of an all-loving God, for only perfect souls can enter into God's presence.
Most of us have at least some suspicion that we are not perfect: that we don't live perfect lives, that we don't have perfect relationships, that we don't love perfectly, and that we don't forgive as Our Lord taught. Forgiveness is always difficult. However, the opportunity for forgiveness and reconciliation does not end with death. While we are required to forgive, our forgiveness is imperfect. The soul who dies in Christ is perfected in mercy and forgiveness.
One respected Christian author has speculated that in Purgatory we can actually experience the lives of those who have hurt us - the events that formed their attitudes, their values and misconceptions, and the difficulty and pains of their lives. And in experiencing, reliving their lives, we can forgive perfectly because we now see perfectly and understand perfectly.
Our relationships, like ourselves, are far from perfect. So, when death comes to one we love, we experience many contradictory thoughts and emotions. Imagine the difficulty of forgiving an unfaithful spouse, someone who caused death or harm to a member of our family, or someone who betrayed us. Such forgiveness is absolutely necessary for our own spiritual heath, but it can be extremely difficult, and death may appear to make further reconciliation impossible.
Even in more healthy relationships, there are always conflicts. There are always things that needed to be resolved. Grief is never simple. In our grief, we not only the experience the loss of the one we love, but we often re-live the difficulties and hurts of the past. It is common to wish we had handled this or that situation differently. It is common to wish we had treated others, or had been treated, with more respect. It is common to feel that we could have loved, or had been loved, more deeply. These feelings are seldom expressed, but they often intensify our grief, hinder our healing, and we may feel guilty for even having such thoughts..
So, in our grief, what do we do with the less than perfect aspects of our relationships? What do we do with the anger, disappointment, and hurt that may lie buried in our grief?
The first course of action is to realize that we are not perfect, and neither was our loved one. Any relationship that lasts is difficult. All relationships not only have ups and downs, but significant issues that need to be resolved. Most often, these are swept under the rug, and then when our loved one dies, they resurface in a variety of forms. The important point here is that while we experience pain from the loss of one we loved, our relationship was made of two imperfect people in an imperfect world, each having faults, misgivings, injuries, and limitations.
Second, as Catholics, we believe in the communion of saints that we celebrate today. The obstacles, the issues that cannot be changed in life, can be changed in death. Just because the one we loved, or the one we hated, has died, doesn't mean that forgiveness and reconciliation are no longer possible. In fact, forgiveness may be more attainable in death because many of the issues that caused division no longer exist.
Third, it is important to realize that everyone who dies in God's grace will grow in perfection and that growth will continue even after we are admitted into God's presence. Thus, our relationships are not frozen by death, but continue to evolve. And, as we seek to live in God's grace, reconciliation with the one we loved, or the one we hated, is not only possible but a certainty. As our loved one is perfected in love, if we seek God's grace, so are we. As our loved one is perfected in virtue, so are we. As our loved one is perfected in mercy, so are we. Even our enemies will become our friends. Even in death, we will still have opportunities to understand, to forgive, to heal, and to grow together in union with God's transforming and perfect love.
And so, we celebrate these two Holy Days knowing that death is not the end. It is not the end of our lives, or our relationships. We will see our loved ones again. We will continue to grow in God's love and perfection for all eternity. And every tear will be wiped from our eyes, and we will see and love in a new and perfect love. So, we celebrate those who now see God face to face and we celebrate those who are being perfected in His love. These two days remind us, in very powerful ways, that God does indeed make all things new. He gives us a new heart, a new love, a new insight, and a new mercy!
Blessed are they who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Baruch Hashem!