Negative Grief
It is our custom in this country, and perhaps many others, that we do not speak
negatively of the dead. It's a good custom, not only for the dead, but a good practice in life. However,
this custom does not imply that we have perfect relationships. In all history there have been few perfect
relationships: Jesus with His Father, The Father with the Spirit, Mary and Jesus, and perhaps a few others.
For most of us, our relationships, like ourselves, are far from perfect. So, when death
comes we experience many contradictory thoughts and emotions. I know a woman who was sexually abused by her father
from the time she was four years old until she left home at eighteen. Just before her father's death he asked to
see her. He asked forgiveness for all he had done to her, for the harm he had caused. I can imagine that request
brought some measure of peace, but granting that forgiveness must have been very difficult. Of course, many die
unforgiven, and many more lived never having sought the forgiveness of others.
Grief is not simple. In our grief, we not only the experience the loss of the one we love,
but recall and relive the difficulties and hurts of the past. It is common to wish we had handled this or that
situation differently. It is common to wish we had been treated differently. It is common, though seldom expressed,
that we could have loved, or been loved, more deeply; that we could have treated others, or been treated, with more
respect. As I said previously, these negative feelings are seldom expressed. They may dominate our feelings of grief,
and we may feel guilty for even having such thoughts.
Vision of Jerusalem
by Alanso Cano1
Jacobs Dream
by Ferdinand Bol2
So, what do we do with the less than perfect aspects of our relationships. What do we
do with the anger and hurt that lies buried in our grief?
The first course of action is to realize that we are not perfect, and neither was our
loved one. Any relationship that lasts is difficult. All relationships not only have ups and downs, but significant
issues that need to be resolved. Most often, these are swept under the rug, and then when our loved one dies, they
resurface in a variety of forms. The only road to a peaceful death, is through a peaceful life. In a peaceful life
issues are resolved as they surface. This does not mean that we live an idyllic life, but in life as in grief, we
have the wisdom to realize what can be changed and what cannot.
Secondly, as Catholics, we believe in the communion of saints. This does not mean that
we are restricted to prayers alone. It means that relationships continue. The obstacles, the issues that cannot
be changed in life, can be changed in death. Just because the one we loved, or the one we hated, has died, doesn't
mean that forgiveness is no longer possible. In fact, forgiveness may be more attainable in death because many of
the issues that caused division no longer exist.
Finally, in death and in life, we can forgive and seek forgiveness. Through death, if we
die in God's grace, we are perfected in love. We must be perfect, we must be saints, before we can stand before God.
That means the departed are made perfect. That means our relationships grow in perfection, and we continue to have
opportunities to understand and heal.
We are not perfect and neither was the one we grieve. We, as Christians, live in hope, We live in the hope and
expectation that we will be made perfect - as will the one we have lost. Though death divides us, we can still forgive,
we can still seek forgiveness, and we can grow in the union of God's transforming
love.