The Problem of Grief
by Dcn. Wayland Moncrief
A common misconception about grief is that grief is a problem. Grief is not a problem
in itself, it is a response to a problem. The problem is the loss we have experienced, and how we adjust mentally,
physically, emotionally, and spiritually to that loss. Grief is instinctive to our nature, it is the way God made us.
It is the mechanism and process of our healing.
The characteristics of grief are the same as those of any trauma. We experience grief,
in many differing ways throughout our lives. A close friend may move. We lose our job. We suffer a loss of income.
Our health deteriorates. We can no longer drive. We lose the ability to take care of ourselves, or to make our own
decisions. We lose the sense of who we are. We experience rejection and betrayal. We lose trust in ourselves,
in others, or even our trust in God. These are traumatic life changing experiences, and they are usually accompanied
by shock, confusion, disappointment, denial, resentment, and anger.
The Deposition
by Jacopo Tintoretto1
Grief is complex. Just as the person we loved was unique, our grief is also unique.
No one can ever take the place of the person we have lost. No relationship will have the same character and
attributes. Relationships are complex and our grief mirrors the complexity of that relationship. When death comes,
the difficulties in our relationships are seldom fully resolved. We may be angry at the person we have lost,
or angry with God. We may be disappointed with others, or even with ourselves. There are always things we wanted to
say or do, but could not say or did not do. Death rarely comes at an opportune time, or in an ideal circumstance.
At different times, and in differing circumstances, we grieve in different ways. We
grieve differently as a child than we do as an adult. We grieve differently for a parent than we do for a son or
daughter. We grieve differently for an elderly grandmother who died of old age than we do for a loved one who has
been taken in their youth or in an act of violence.
Christ in the House of Martha and Mary
by Jacopo Tintoretto2
Le Jours des Morts
by William Bouguereau3
The grieving process is similar to the process of forgiveness. At first it is accepting
the shock. Then, it is finding ways to make it through the day, and come to terms with what we feel. Later, it is
reaching an understanding. It is resolving the disappointment we feel with others or even with ourselves.
Grief demands our attention and our response is critical. Studies have shown that those
who do not allow themselves time to grieve, experience the effects of their loss for significantly longer periods of
time. We can never fully heal where we don't forgive, nor can we fully live again without coming to terms with our loss.
It is important that we give ourselves the time and permission to grieve.
The Woman of Samaria at the Well
by Jacopo Tintoretto4
Sometimes we may be active in our grief. We grieve through the normal activities
of our lives. Active grief does not, in any way, dishonor our loss, or the sincerity of our love. At other times
we may be totally passive. We may feel disabled by our grief. Even the simplest tasks seem beyond our capability.
We may feel stretched beyond our ability to cope.
It's important to remember that there is no prescribed method for grief. Each person,
even with the help of others, has to find their own way in their own time. Persons in grief often are overly critical
of themselves. They may say, “I should be over this by now.” or "I don't think I'll ever feel whole again". The death
of a loved one is not something we get over. Grief is the unique process of learning to live with our loss.
“The Problem of Grief” is that grief is not the expression of a single problem, but a
multitude of problems. We tend to lump all our issues and feelings into one, but recognizing that we are suffering
many different losses simultaneously is important and valuable. Since there are many different issues involved,
our grief requires many solutions.
These issues need to be uniquely recognized, and handled one by one. As we address
each issue, and find solutions, we will begin to heal. Adjusting to our loss does not in any way diminish the
companionship, and love that we feel. That unique relationship is ours. It can never be replaced.
We experience loss in may ways - some large and overpowering, but more often in small
reminders. Recently, a woman said that her husband usually set out bowls for breakfast each night before he
went to bed. There was always a love note beside the bowl. Now, each day when she enters the kitchen she finds an
empty table that reminds her of her loss.
For another, her husband would often bring her coffee in the morning while she was still
in bed. Sure, she can make the coffer herself, or even set a timer on the coffee maker, but it is the caring,
the romance, that is so silent.
When we consider all the services that others perform for us each day, we begin to
appreciate the enormity of our loss, and it's no wonder we feel so alone. We have to adapt to so many changes
at once. We have to find so many solutions to so many problems, and it comes at a time when we are shocked and
exhausted, at at time we we are least able to cope.
When an elderly person loses a spouse they often have to move to be near their children.
In addition to the loss of their spouse, they have to face a new environment, and often lose the company of lifelong
friends. There are financial issues as well. The death of a loved one may bring a loss of income or a loss of security.
One woman recently related that her husband managed all their finances and she was trying to sort through all
their documents. She said, “Finding all the computer files and the accounts on the Internet was overwhelming”.
And that doesn't even include the loss of her husband's advice.
A elderly gentleman, that has lost his wife, once related that he struggled in preparing
meals. His wife had always managed the household, and he didn't know one pot from another.
Others have to face providing for young children. They have to find solutions for day-care,
school activities, and a host of other issues. They not only have to deal with their own grief, but that of their
children as well, and each child has his own unique needs.
Grief is often bound with legal issues: settling an estate, dividing an inheritance, a
lawsuit related to an accident, or even a police investigation. One of the first hospital calls I received as a
new deacon was for a young man who was the victim of a gang shooting. The police investigation, and the gossip
of others, compounded their grief. Then there is the issue of guilt: that we could have been kinder, more
supportive of the one we have lost. The uestions, 'If Only' rush through our minds: if only I had done this,
if only I hadn't said that. Even though death is always difficult, those who have time to prepare are truly
blessed.
For a few moments please consider all you have lost. Take a few moments to write down
all the issues that you face. Try to identify what solutions exist and the issues which only a greater understand
of the person we have lost and a better understanding ourselves can resolve. Try to identify all the ways you need
to forgive, and need to be forgiven. Then, in silence say what you need to say to your loved one, and say what you
need to say to God.